First off, I'm the world's worst blogger, but we all know that. I just had an impulsive desire to share a few things on my heart. It's about to get real vulnerable up in here.
We've approached the time of year where singles cringe, and girls say prayers for dashing strangers to come into their lives. Last Valentines day I swore I would never spend another February 14th alone.
I promised myself that I would try my best to finally be good enough for somebody. Maybe I needed to be prettier, skinnier, flirtier (that's not a word).
365 days later, and here I am sitting on my couch eating Chinese food and reading a very ironic fortune cookie that says:
"you will get what your heart desires".
NO JOKE.
I can't even make this stuff up.
We all know fortune cookies are not truth, but it triggered my thoughts to reflect on how the desires of my heart have changed this year. 2012 was probably the hardest year I have been faced with. Moving across the country was no easy task, it tested me in many ways. In a romantic aspect, I went from greatly desiring a relationship, to an opposite feeling of never wanting to fall in love.
God revealed my selfish heart in both of those extremes. I realized that I was not trusting God with all aspects of my life. I have always said I trust God with putting the right man in my life, but I never fully surrendered. I was holding onto that role myself. I was bitter. I thought that since I was looking for all the 'right' things in a guy, and wanting a relationship for the 'right' reasons, I could do it alone. I was telling God that I knew better than Him because I'm the only one that experienced pain and let down of past relationships.
When I moved 2,500 miles away from my friends and then 200 miles from my family Jesus showed me that I am nothing without Him. I didn't even have friends or family, all I had was Him. It's a scary place to get to, and there was a lot of crying involved.
In those vulnerable weeks, I experienced the presence of God like never before. I had always viewed myself as a 'solid Christian', but I had never been put in an uncomfortable place where I was so dependent on God. Through prayer, scripture, repentance, and encouragement in new friendships, Jesus planted a desire to daily surrender all my previous insecurities, worries, and frustrations with relationships (or lack thereof).
So let's fast forward to tonight, Valentines Eve. I'm falling asleep on the sofa in an old sweatshirt and yoga pants that have seen better days. My brother walked in from work and immediately handed me a card and a box of chocolates (in the picture above) along with some kind of "Happy Valentines Day!"greeting. It hit me. I'm not bitter, and I could care less about spending another Valentines day 'alone', because the truth is that I'm not alone. I would be lying if I said I did not have a desire to represent the bride of Christ some day with a man who puts Jesus first in His life. Marriage is so beautiful, but I'm letting God work on that in His timing. I have been blessed with a loving family, an amazing church community that genuinely wants to walk through life with me and point me to Truth, and a God who has graciously been pouring His eternal love on me. Whoa. I'm amazed.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
